


Steps

by AlicienneOfTarth



Series: Once upon a December [3]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Feelings, Psychological Trauma, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21684880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlicienneOfTarth/pseuds/AlicienneOfTarth
Summary: "Brienne caught him before he could fall."That silly hope had the same colour of the ocean, a rich blue that could become dark under disenchanted eyes or sparkly under hopeful ones.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Series: Once upon a December [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1560817
Comments: 18
Kudos: 81





	Steps

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4: Ocean/Lake+ Day5: Gentle touch.  
> I mixed two days together, I have to apologize in advance because this isn't fluff, it's different from the previous OS, it's a little bit dark but with a happy ending because I refuse to do otherwise. I know this should be a fluffy prompt, but the ocean suggested me this kind of story, I hope you like it anyway! It's rated M for the themes.  
> English is not my first language.

[](https://ibb.co/c1j6TPv)

* * *

He looked down at the ocean, it was dark, except for some little sparks on the waves crest created by the moonlight. He took a step toward the cliff, and then another one.

One step from the void.

For a brief moment, the thought of jumping hadn’t seemed so distant, not as distant as he had wanted it to be. One jump in the dark and maybe his life would have ended, the last silly hope of an uncertain future happiness crashed against a rock, swallowed by the dark.

It was that silly hope that was holding him back now, while his stump, still tender from what had happened that night, appeared ridiculously brutal compared to the beauty of nature. That silly hope had the same colour of the ocean, a rich blue that could become dark under disenchanted eyes or sparkly under hopeful ones.

The breeze messed up his hair, covering his neck with goosebumps, another reminder that he was still alive.

Sometimes he found difficult to be grateful, but then that silly hope came back again and he felt something filling his heart, even if for some seconds, warming his body. He looked down and his foot moved imperceptibly.

_Forward or backward?_

He closed his eyes in the uncertainty and he found her again.

_Backward._

He felt something damp at the corner of his eyes and he wondered if he would have been able to cry this time; maybe covered by the sound of the waves smashing against the cliff, his silly tears would have been more bearable.

He took another step back and then he heard her voice.

“What are you doing?”

He turned around, finding her. She was upset, he could tell that, her hair tangled and untangled with the breeze, her frown even sharper than usual and her eyes.. her eyes were glassy and they sparkled, they always sparkled.

“Are you insane?” She said, marching toward him. “Wh- what were you doing?”

He lost himself in her rage for some seconds, loving her fear and he wondered if one day his selfishness would have spared him that pleasure he was feeling. Her fingers grabbed his shirt, shaking his body and it felt like resurrecting from a drowning.

“Answer me.” And now she sounded desperate. Her fingers closed and she started punching him, repeatedly, on the chest, hitting him and caressing him at the same time. She grabbed his arms for a moment and he felt her nails scratching his skin, even his stump, because she was the only one still able to touch him. “I hate you.”

And he wasn’t surprised when those words brought him pleasure and not pain.

He waited for her outburst to cool down, without a word, and then the fingers of his left hand circled her wrists, stopping her movements, while her breathing returned stable. She left him touching her just for a few seconds, but he sensed the importance of each one of them, until she dismissed him, putting some distance between them.

They stayed in silence for a whole minute, but it felt more.

She was looking at the ocean, while he looked at her.

“How did you find me?” He finally asked her, his voice rough.

She didn’t turn toward him. “I..I’ve just finished my shift at the pub, I was walking home and.. and I’ve seen you.” She said, looking at the ground.

He took a step toward her, but she distanced herself a little bit more, like it was a natural reaction.

_It was always a matter of steps._ “I wasn’t.. you know..”

She kept looking at the ground, her stubbornness almost stealing a smile from him. “Wench, look at me.”

She turned her eyes toward him then and their force made him hold his breath for a moment, they were the only thing still able to surprise him. “I wasn’t.” He said again.

“I don’t believe you.” She whispered and it would have hurt him a little bit more if he had actually believed to her disbelieving.

Her trust in him was as stubborn as her.

She seemed small in that surrounding and pale, paler than usual and for a moment, with the breeze messing her locks and the moon lighting up her face she seemed almost beautiful.

_In that light she seemed almost fragile._

“Do you think it’s easy, don’t you?” He said angry, because her fragility was too tempting and he just wanted to shut it away. “Do you think that I can stay here, pretending nothing has changed. It’s just a hand, isn’t it? Just as you like to say.”

Her chin wobbled while she kept holding his gaze and he found her fierceness again.

“I had a future, you know? I had projects..”

“You can still have them.”

“I wanted a family someday.” He said, ignoring her. “I wanted to raise a child, maybe two or more, but now I will neither be able to show them how to count to ten.” He said, laughing bitterly. “I won’t be able to touch a woman the way I’d like to, I won’t be able to caress her body using all my fingertips, to bury my hands in her hair.”

Her lip trembled imperceptibly with his words.

“The people around me don’t know who I am, not anymore, they treat me with kindness, delicacy and that doesn’t belong to me, does it? You know it better than anyone and I feel them like strangers, because the truth is I am different, I am the one changed. So in the end, it feels like I have to rebuild everything from the start and maybe I don’t have the energies for that..”

“Take it as an opportunity.”

“For what exactly?”

“Start again, show who you really are, show that part of yourself that.. that I can see in you.”

“There’s nothing worth it, I’m not worthy.”

She was the one taking a step toward him this time. “You faced four armed men, alone, with nothing except your hands and you.. you didn’t even hesitate for a second, I know it, I was there and even if I’m trying with all my strength to erase my memory, it simply doesn’t go away, but when I close my eyes every night, before sleeping and my mind goes there, all I can see now it’s.. it’s you, it’s your face..and you saved me, Jaime. So, how can you tell me that you’re not worthy?”

He didn’t know how to reply for a moment, because she always found a way to annihilate his self hatred.

“There’s not only that part in me, you know it..”

“I know it and that’s what makes what you did even more special to me.” She said. “Stop hiding.. stop being a coward, be the man I’ve seen that night, show who you are--”

“To who exactly?” He interrupted out. “Tell me, since you seem to know everything, to who? Because my family basically ditched me the day I was out that fucking hospital, my friends disappeared, so you know what? I feel like I have no one anymore.”

“You have me.” She whispered right after, then she shook her head, like she was already regretting her words. “But.. but I know it’s not enough.”

He paused, looking at her and some different words almost slipped from him, words he wasn’t still able to voice out loud, because he was a coward and she knew it too well. A small tear had collected on the tip of nose, but he swept it away. “Maybe it’s just for pity.” He told her instead. “Have you thought about it?”

“For pity?” She asked incredulous, her eyes were pools of rage. “Do you realize what you did? Do you realize that you saved me? D-Do you realize that you saved me from a fucking rape?”

He was about to interrupt her because he couldn’t stand another reminder of that pain again.

“Let me finish. It’s not for pity, it could never be for pity. It’s admiration, it’s gratitude.. affection. It’s something else..it’s.. never mind, you know what? I’m tired.” She said, turning around and walking away.

He waited for some seconds and then his steps followed her. “Wait.” He said and when he reached her his fingers curled around her elbow, stopping her pace.

She didn’t turn and he stayed like that for some seconds, until he gave up, resting his forehead between her shoulder blades. He felt her breath accentuating under his weight. His head moved up then, brushing the back of her neck, the hair at her nape, until his lips found her ear. He wished to be able to tell her everything in silence, just like that, with his mouth caressing her ear and his fingertips pressed on her skin. He tightened his grip on her elbow, because he liked touching her. She tilted her head, expecting some words from him and he was suddenly tired of holding back.

“If.. if losing my hand has meant saving you, well, then I would do it again, every day of my life.”

There were tears forming at the corner of her eye, he could see them, but she would have never made them fall, he knew that too; She turned then and she was close, maybe too close. Her chin was trembling harder than before and he didn’t know where to look anymore, until he found her eyes again, because they were his shelter.

“I hope one day I’ll be able to save you in turn.” She whispered.

He opened his mouth and then he closed it again.

_She still didn’t know._

His fingers then slid up, following her arm, her shoulder her neck and then cupping her cheek. She was holding her breath, he was sure of it, because he was doing the same. His thumb found her lips and he traced the contour of her mouth, slowly, gently, because he could. Her lips were slightly chapped and so real, and he caressed them some more.

When she closed her eyes, he pulled away.

But she was the one taking his hand seconds later, raising it between them. She pressed her fingertips against his. “You can use just one hand to teach them.” She whispered. “Count until five from thumb to pinkie and then to ten going backwards from pinkie to thumb.”

He smiled until he laughed.

“Brienne?” He said, searching her eyes. “I was just waiting for you to finish your shift.”

“Ok.” She said with a small smile.

He was still healing and she would have still been there.

And the ocean would have been sparkly.

_There’s still time._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it anyway and I promise you there will be more fluff in the next ones! I'm planning to write the "lazy morning" one, but, once again, tell me if you have suggestions, even if they're not in the list, I feel inspired! Leave a comment, please. Xx


End file.
